18,250 days. That’s a lot of days and that is the number of days that I have been alive. The truth is that not one of these days has been lived without someone by my side, be it for a minute or longer, someone taking the time, investing in me, through raising me, welcoming me into their home, loving me by teaching, listening to, laughing and crying with and encouraging me – just spending time with me for a short or long while, it was still time. No matter for how long or short the time was, it was invested and part of the 18,250 days that in total make up the 50 years of life that I celebrate today.
It feels weird, to say 50. That’s like the age your parents and their friends turn. I’m not sure how I feel about it actually; part of me doesn’t feel 50 at all because I am not really sure what 50 is suppose to feel like or if there is even really an exact feeling that comes with being 50. Yet, there are lots of thoughts that I am having lately with this coming to 50, this entering into the half waypoint of a century.
I wonder if the empty nest that is coming will really feel empty or just different and if I will figure out ways to fill it creatively and reconnect to things I once did but packaged away carefully, knowing I would get to unwrap them again down the road if I choose to. I wonder if this latter part of my journey will be softer on my heart then the first part or if the experiences and chapters that are still to be lived out, will be equally as breath taking and heart wrenching as those behind me. I am pretty sure they will be colourful, rich with understanding and full of more lessons that will enable me to work on and practice patience and putting others before myself, listening more, I mean really listening. I want to be kinder, because there were lots of days in these 18,250 that I was not kind; days where I was selfish, disrespectful and uncaring, not at all the person I was created to be. I hope that in the days to come, I will wait for what’s next, and enjoy the wait, trust the wait, trust that whatever comes, will be for Gods glory and therefore can only be for my good.
I hope I will take all that I have learned and not turn from it but instead sit and soak it all up, remember it all, every little bit. The lessons about love and hate and how both can ruin and wreck you in completely opposite ways and how I have experienced both ways and my hope is that in going forward I will choose the first over the latter always, but know in all honesty I may not.
I wonder what’s next, how my body will change and lets face it, will there be lots of sagging or just in a few places? Lots of gray hairs or very few, and there’s the other stuff, the stuff you don’t talk out loud about because it scares you and sometimes embarrasses you. Except with your people, this is the stuff you talk about with them and that’s quite frankly the way it should be, everyone who’s aging needs people, and here’s the thing….we are ALL aging, so we ALL need our people.
WE. ALL. NEED. OUR. PEOPLE. I know that I can’t nor do I want to, live my days without sharing them with someone else.
18,250 days and counting, that’s what this day is; another day to be thankful for, a day to reflect and be thankful for all of those that took the time; from the beginning to right now. Those that have taken the time to love me, to encourage and inspire me, to do whatever it was that they did in order that the days would keep adding up.
Here’s to the “and counting” to what’s to come and who’s to come because this is the big gift I have been given this year; the gift of awareness, that my life, our lives are not ever lived solo, never something we do on our own. Our days are indeed numbered and if there is one thing I know for certain, this me that’s turning 50, is so thankful for her people, all 18,250 days worth of people who took the time and spent some of their days with me.
Truly, you all have given me the best gift ever.